readmypoopoo

your daily dose of me

By reading this, you are agreeing that this site and it's contents are fictional, and that the true authors cannot be held responsible for any damage caused in any way at any time. These articles and any entries posted on the links under any categories are purely opinion; the naming of any actual people or events are coincidental. Our disclaimer can be viewed here, if you do not read it you are still held to the same terms.

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Friday, March 31, 2006

Presidents Do As They Please


^douche bag. from cnn.net

As history has shown us time and again, presidents do what they want to. Tough shit. We elected them. Or at least half of us did. Granted, he may not be banging a condiment goddess, can't speak well, and "Bush, Dick, and 'Colon'" are funny names for the three most powerful men in the country, but he tries. Tuesday Times does not lean towards any party, but if we had to, we'd elect Ron Jeremy president. He would make sure every one got some. Even uglies. But back to Bush. So he created a wire tap here or there. He is just doing what he thinks is right (even though it is pretty blatantly contradictory with that little document called "The Constitution,"). So what? He did something half the country doesn't like. Guess what, America? You can't do shit about it. All of the ordinary people that are angry at this are just going to bitch and moan and ultimately do nothing but make more people mad. People that don't care won't do anything and that is fine. The people that can do something, like political cockasses, will try and try to get something done, but by the time they do, Bush will be out of office. And then to the next living controversy (president). Reagan was an actor, Bush Sr. a warlord, CLinton got his weiner licked, and Bush taps phones and starts more wars. Sorry, America. If you don't like it, please let me be the one sticking my size 14 up your butthole when we're kicking your dipshit asses out of the country. Love it or leave it.

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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Racist Duke

from cnn.net

Recently Duke University, which costs over $40,000 a year to attend, has suspended it's entire lacrosse team. This is not like telling a player he won't be starting for being disresepectful, this is shutting down an entire program. Why? A stripper that was called to a private party for the lacrosse team is now claiming she was raped by three men. DNA testing is being done (Duke hopes to clear their players from guilt) to test the validity of her claims. DNA has been taken from 46 of the team's 47 players; the 47th player was black, she claimed her assailants were all white. The stripper was of course black. So either the players did rape her and they're racists for raping a black woman, or the black woman is lying trying to screw over three rich Duke dudes. Either way, someone is going to come out a racist murf. And yes, this actually is happening.

here's the link-
rape case

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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Tuesday Times Will Die

The following was sent in by a faithful follower, pritch cockass dunmeyer. He works in an office loading staplers and sucking his bosses chode. His e-mail is pricharddunmeyer42@yahoo.com , from California, so feel free to contact him at will.

"Tuesday Times Creator Contemplates Self

Due to its recent notoriety for stale humor and
unamusing jokes, the creator of "The Tuesday Times,"
our pitiful excuse for a newspaper, has decided to
stop writing utter crap. We here at the office
recieved a brief quote from such creator:

"It finally dawned on me that I couldn't think up a
good joke if I had a .45 to my nuts. I also read
something better called "The Onion." Unlike my site,
it aroused laughter in me. Do I suck or what?"

Frankly, here at TT, we are proud that our CEO finally
learned to harness his brain, and maybe he'll end up
as a bus driver or a gas station clerk, if he's lucky.

The staff is throwing a party tonight full of pinatas
and confetti and cookies, oh my! So bring your kids
and your wives to the celebration of a lifetime - the
end of half-wittedness!

Sincerely,
Frank Duprosti
Former piece of crap staff member "

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Monday, March 27, 2006

Killer Man Rats?

Recent claims in the small city of Memphis, TN, have been submitted to a locally famous paper known affectionately as Tuesday Times. The report came as a muffled a garbled scream, and was believed originally to be a prank. The anonymous caller stated, "I swear it is true! He had a long, pink and fleshy looking tail. His eyes looked orange!" While almost anyone would immediately disregard this claim, Tuesday Times decided to follow up. Upon receiving directions to the location of the frantic call, along with armed security, Frank Duprosti reported: "What I have seen hear today will haunt me forever. Within a quarter mile all one can see is chewed wires, massive fecal matter stretched seemingly without end, and destruction. I dare not refute that woman's claim." Many citizens shun Duprosti's report, claiming that what he saw was also known as "Orange Mound." Their refusal to accept the possibility of "killer man rats" has left the city torn in two. This causes great turmoil in Memphis. With the tension already mounting between Herenton supporters and his "haters," the dispute of the existence of killer man rats is only furthering the gang and hate crime ridden Memphis. For details of the frantic call, contact thetuesdaytimes@yahoo.com.

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Cows Have Ferraris in their Butts.

from crystalinks.com


It is well know that aliens have been visiting our planet and mutilating cattle and abducting us for genetic expirements. Could it be that they are genetically altering our cows and us as well in an attempt to terrafarm our planet to meet thier needs? Or, are they doing this to eliminate us since we have discovered the atomic bomb? Hmmmmmmm?
First and foremost- aliens are a very real and frightening problem. "ET" may have pulled the wool over some of our eyes, but slimy mean things that can travel from planet to planet are creepy.
Second- they molest cows and other livestock.
No secret that most "abductions" involve some bumpkin dipshit farmer that was in between drinking his sister and banging a beer, or maybe even the other way around. What Tuesady Times house field expert on intergalactic warfare Dr. Beardley Nerport believes is that they (aliens- we'll call them "cockasses") attack in a 1-2 form.
1. First the cockasses abduct Jethro. Idiot farmers are easy targets, great for practice, and the most cliche morons to be impersonated in cheesy alien movies. This is effective in that it frees up the cattle.
2. While the owner(s) are gone, round 2 of the attack begins. The remaining cockasses sweep in and unleash havoc on their cattle. They stick radioactive thermonuclear bombs, cameras, and ferarris up the cows' bungholes. Ferraris in the cows' bungholes are effective because it is funny to imagine a radioactive thermonuclear luxury sportscar in a cows' butt. Immature: yes. Funny: a little. Would Pritch approve? Not at all.
Henceforth, cows have ferraris in their butts.
End transmission. Cock.

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Friday, March 24, 2006

The Tigers

from msn.foxsports.com

After whomping the shit out of the first three opponenets-Oral Roberts, Bucknell, and Bradley- Memphis finally lost to UCLA. What does this mean? That they could still whomp the shit out of any team. Ever. Carney, Dorsey, Dozier, CDR, Williams, Cooper, Allen, Anderson, D Wash, and W Williams-How deep can we fucking be? Down to the last guy we have complete badasses. Even our white guys could beat people down in some HORSE or something. Memphis is known for barbeque, rap, jazz, Beale, murder, theft, and basketball. Not in that order. Memphis Tigers Basketball players- you are badasses and we are all lucky to say we are Tigers because of you guys. Thank you for an incredible season. We love you guys.

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Hot Girl of The Week


from msnbcmedia.msn.com

And this week is Nicolette Sheridan. My word is this woman attractive. Google image search her- every picture that comes up she looks good in. Pretty sure she is from Desperate Housewives, but that doesn't matter. She could be Paris Hilton famous and be just fine. Even though she is a bit older than last week's Shakira, her voice is feminine, her stature flawless, and her face just as nice. Well done, Miss Sheridan.

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Gorgeous Sex Offender

from poplicks.com

In Florida, this woman was charged with several counts of lewd and lascivious activities with a 14 year old boy. The boy reported to authorities that she had sexual intercourse with him several times in four days, and that she also performed oral sex on him multiple times. Upon hearing her charges, the American public is left thinking: what kind of undeservingly lucky 14 year old bastard would rat out such a hot teacher that wanted nothing more than a purely sexual relationship? This is obviously a decision that in three or four years, when the kid can't get any from girls his age, that he is going to look back on and realize: "SHIT! I blew it, I'm a piece of shit, and I probably ruined it for many others. I got oral sex in the back of a gorgeous 23 year old woman's car, and now I can barely get a makeout session under the bleachers with the girl with braces and acne. I suck." And hopefully, that realization will lead him to create a time machine so he can go back to before he fucked things up and keep having familiar relations with the hot teacher- nearly every guy's fantasy at one point or another. What a bastard. At least her charges were dropped.

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Monday, March 20, 2006

Prichard Hates Me!

from thecostumer.com

Below is some cockasses's hate mail to me, receieved just the other day. This man offended me, and I have considered closing down my site. Oh, Prichard, how you've hurt me...

"Dear TT Creator,
I consider myself a funny man, and your website is
what can be defined as "unfunny." I sent the link to
others that I work with and they all agreed with me
just how juvenile and thoughtless this website is. You
have single handedly generated a vortex of atrocious,
sub-standard delinquency that is detrimental to
humanity There are three things I would change about
your website:

1) Change the title from "Tuesday Times" to "unfunny
articles about bullshit and then some." I think this
subtle change would suit your purpose better and not
fool people with some kind of false endorsement like
"the real college newspaper." No, the real college
newspaper is the one that your college sponsors, my
friend.

2) Destroy it. I think that if the Tuesday Times
didn't exist, more children in Africa wouldn't starve.
Honestly, its existence keeps me from sleeping at
nights, in which case my wife has sent me to a
therapist because I won't tell her what the hell it is
that makes me cringe loud enough to keep her up. So
technically, the you owe me for my therapy bills.

3) Break your computer. Maybe when you look at the
scattered parts and broken pieces, you'll get it.
You'll get that forcefully restricting yourself to
your computer will shield onlookers from the vapid
disappointment that is you.

While I am revealing to you a truth that you won't
want to hear, it's vital that you understand your
failure as a mock journalist before you corrupt the
minds of too many with your dimwitted pointlessness.
Basically, you and your crew of morons (assuming you
have one) should stop writing, never think about it
again, and then write an apology to everyone who
burned their retinas reading your bullshit. Have the
apology read:

"I, (your name), am a dipshit with a knack for
defecating pathetic and unfunny bullshit. My apologies
for attempting to mold your sense of humor into the
scum I pick from my diseased foot. I manipulated your
sense of what is and what is not crap by creating 'The
Tuesday Times' and I hope you can accept this apology,
but I perfectly understand if you don't. Sincerely,
the lamest fuckhead on the planet, (your name)."

There you have it. In my opinion, even with this
apology, the redemption that you will seek from your
readers is an absolution that will never come.

Sincerely,
Prichard"


This decently worded hate mail, aside from the plethora of grammatical errors, actually made me laugh. For those of you who know me, you also know that I don't really give a shit what any one thinks about this. I do it to pass my personal time, and if my writing makes someone giggle or cockasses like Prichard take time from his busy schedule of jacking off in a cubicle to escape the hatred of dick that his wife possesses, then so be it. And now my message to you, Prichard. First and foremost, you are indeed a "cockass." Even though I am greatly saddened that your office flled with pencil pushing retards don't like my work, you can pretty much fuck yourself. I'm more angered when my shit hits the toilet water and splashes my shit-toilet water on my butt cheeks than when I read your ironically "juvenile" hate mail. Stop surfing the internet and go back to making your wife miserable with your baby dick and emotional problems. Also, your insecurity about being some worthless dipshit in an office is all too obvious, maybe try to boost your self esteem by picking a fight with a kid with downs, or this new fad called "getting laid." As to your "the real college newspaper" comment, again, you can fuck yourself, my sweet Prichard. It does not have to be sponsored by my school, it just has to be liked by more than extremist dickholes that are completely swayed by what ten people out of twenty two thousand write. I'd rather people be offended, entertained, and pissed off about what I write than lulled to sleep by the pathetic bullshit that actually is our school paper. As to the apology that you had drawn up for me, how hypocritically sad that your only way of attacking me is by trying to write like me. Cute, Prichard, but I'm afraid not cute enough. Short of legally changing your- what most people call "gay"- name, I'd say sucking your bosses dick might be your only way to move up in the world. Let's face it Pritch, if I can call you Pritch, minimum wage loading staplers just isn't cutting it. Your wife needs far more so she can afford to go somewhere else to get the cock that you very obviously aren't giving her. And fuck your therapy bills, that's probably just from your daddy not loving you as much as he should. Or maybe too much for that matter. So go ahead and read this, Prichard, show your office mates, and write back yet another letter filled with your own special blend of hilarity uniqueness, because that is your one way to escape the mundane faggotry that is indeed, your life.

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Spring Semester ALMOST Over

from imperialcrowns.com

Despite many students shutting down, mostly because of spring break only giving them a taste of this summer, school is still in session. Granted we only have roughly a month and a half (actually a little bit less), the good weather, March Madness, and trips to escape for a weekend or so are all helping to prove that higher education is indeed a tool of the devil. Lucifer, a.k.a. Satan, created "college" to further our society's desire for monetary success. Without money, there is no world (or at least one that we know). Look around yourself right now-the computer you're on, the internet you used to get to this page, your cell phone, your clothes, the room you're in, the chair you're using- all of these things cost many people money to buy, make, and sell. College, ony of today's greatest "necessary" wallet destroyers, is only an extension period for which students must remain subservient, submissive, and really tired of learning the same World War II facts that we learned 50 times in high school. It takes money, times, causes stress, ends relationships, starts others, and kicks ass. Students are knowingly sinful and proud. Satan created college as an outlet for people our age to explore sexually, physically, and emotionally- but mostly sexually. Basically, we're almost out, so hopefully time will speed the fuck up so I won't have to waste time writing articles like this.

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Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Saddam Still Sadistic


from rotten.com

While taking the stand for the first time in his trial reagarding crimes against humanity that supposedly took place after the attempt on his life in 1992. Freshly shaven and maybe even bathed, the dethroned totalitarian leader looked emotionally destroyed. Despite calling on "his people" to fight, and congratulating them on fighting the Americans, he still seemed to be a "sissy girl." When interviewed on his thoughts of the Saddam trial, Mike Tyson stated, "I would bite that motherf*****'s ear off in a second, salt it and marinate it, and beat it into a soft powder. Then I'd snort that s*** like Bobby Brown. I'm the champ, and my tribal tatoo on my face makes me look like an even bigger thugged out crack addict."
Upon hearing Tyson's threats, Saddam appeared quite alarmed. He claimed in a counterstatement that he would have Tyson gassed and shot, and then realizing the irony that he was on trial for such behavior, giggled boyishly and blushed.
"I just kidding," he squeaked out, "I love Mike Tyson. I don't even have access to weapons of mass destruction. Haha. Ha..." He was then beaten with reeds with bayonets attached.
More on this complete lie later.

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Radioactive Rats


from fws.gov

As reported on cnn.com, milions saw the headline describing an enormous body parts scandal that could have spread disease to thousands. What cnn.com did not say, however, is that right now over seven hundred thousand mutated rats are storming the streets of Kansas armed with semi automatic weapons. After leaving a trail of defecation (shit) over 6.4 miles long and steaming with the human blood they had devoured along the way, the militant rats vowed to put an end to democracy. These rats are also known as "Al-Qaeda" and are not actually in Kansas. In reality, they are insurgents currently being destroyed in quite possibly one of the most controversial wars in U.S. history. This pretty much just means that the terrorists we are at war with are pussies and they're getting rocked in their own country. F*** 'em. Kill terrorists. Hug a tree.

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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

U of M Tigers Basketball


from fansonly.com
Despite the flood of bullshit released by the morons on ESPN, the Tigers have a great few games ahead of them. After a nice win against UAB to make themselves conference champions, the first round against Oral Roberts looks promising. What ESPN idiots don't realiaze is that just because Memphis may not have much NCAA experience, that does not mean the Tigers do not know how to win games. A record of 30-3, losses to two ranked teams and one that is now within the top 25, and wins that just do not seem to stop piling up, would expectedly win a team a LITTLE bit of credit. But because this is Memphis's first enormous appearance back on the radar screen, the Tigers can't get any. In conclusion: ESPN, prepare to eat, because the Tigers are about to shove a few NCAA tournament wins down your throats.

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Monday, March 13, 2006

Michael Moore Saves World!


image from members.optusnet.com.au/evilpundit

Recent discoveries in some of the most highly secretive U.S. laboratories in the world have revealed that paper was indeed created by Russian engineers shortly after World War II. These engineers aimed to destory mankind- luckily for us, michael moore is fat. Yes, the propaganda spreading, overweight, walking controversy somehow halted his anti-American parade of hellfire to dismantle Russian attempts at global domination. How? By sheer coincidence, the morbidly obese "land whale" was ordering his usual thirty two hotdogs as his afternoon snack when he overheard Vladimir Dorsky's phone call. "He spoke in tongues unknown to me, and then in broken English. I knew this was no normal order for a New York hot dog vendor, so reared back and spat on him. My poisonous demon saliva pierced through his jacket, and out fell his plans of creating "paper." I believe that this "paper" might actually have alrady been created, therefore negating the entire argument of this article. However, I am fat and worthless."
Stick with Tuesday Times for more on this hate article.

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Hot Girl of the Week


This week's hot girl is Shakira. Granted, her voice is exceptionally manly and half of her audience can not understand her, she's hot, and most of us would happily see her naked. Over and out.

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Friday, March 10, 2006

Fake News Source Returns!


courtesy J.M. Byrd

Granted, life as a college student can be very busy. Skipping class, sleeping, wasting money on fast food, gambling, drinking (cola, of course), and defecation on mirrors can consume approximately 93 percent of the typical student's life. As most of you know, 93 percent is an "A," which means we are doing well. However, the Tuesday Times creator simply didn't have enough on his plate. So, after being invited to an evergoing fan club in his creation's honor, he decided the "bo-dunk" and "moronic" paper/e-zine be revived in full force. This means essentially that maybe a post here or there will keep the audience on their toes in the following months. Tuesday Times staff has come up with numerous ideas for the paper's reconstruction:
1. Kill any opposition. We've decided that by systematically eradicating any opposition, our place as "el numero uno" is nothing short of guaranteed. But when it comes down to it, we're lovers and not fighters, so this plan is finished.
2. Write things that aren't described as "f****** dumb." Although this is the more logical path, we've opted to not do that. Intelligent writing just makes the people reading it think that they're smart.
More on this crap later.

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