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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Disabling Fraternity Stereotypes

Being a brother of a fraternity myself, I constantly come in contact with doltish fools who have preconceived beliefs regarding nearly every aspect of my life, even if I don’t know them. They see my Greek-lettered shirt and think, “Wow, movies like ‘Animal House,’ ‘Sorority Boys,’ and ‘Old School’ have really taught me everything I need to know about THAT guy.” So I say to people like that, “Please eat shit.”

The truth is Fraternity men such as myself are great people. In fact, a survey performed by me and of me only states that 100 percent of those surveyed (only me, in case you didn’t catch that) find Fraternity men to be the single greatest body of organisms in existence today. That is why, my friends, I have decided to disable a few myths for the public.

1. Fraternity Men are Drunkards
This is a blatant lie with flagrant disregard for our feelings. Who cares that every now and then someone “falls asleep” while consuming an alcoholic beverage or two? The reason this is myth is simple: Some fraternity men have been very concerned with our economy in these times of war. Upon hearing that great American companies such as Budweiser, Natural Light, and the mighty Pabst might be in financial danger, these brave men sported their Greek letters proudly at the gas station, letting everyone know that they were supported the national economy out of the good of their hearts.


Above: war wearied patriot fallen in the line of duty

2. Fraternity Men harass overly drunken people
While this may not be a myth of all fraternal organizations, it is definitely so where I come from. But once again, this is not true. This is slanderous, offensive, and very hurtful. Yes, we may take a marker or some food or other random objects and cover each other with those things while the victim is asleep, but why call that person a victim? They are not! The reality behind this myth is those people are willing, faithful brothers allowing those fraternity brothers majoring in different forms of art to practice on them (this is non-sexual, get your minds out of the gutters). These brave and heroic brothers realize that without them submitting their faces to the mercy of another’s sharpie, there might not be a future Matisse or Monet.


Above: Selfless hero furthers another’s chance to become an artist

3. Fraternity Men are Womanizers
While you would think we would embrace this myth, we do not. This might be the single most emotionally painful name for us to be called. Yes, we do love women very much, but do we use them? No! We treat women as they should be treated. Like the drunken princesses they are, stumbling through our houses, asking for a cigarette and lighting the wrong side, stopping up our toilets by dropping the whole roll of toilet paper, eating whatever scarce amount of our food they can collect, complaining that what they just ate will in fact make them gain twenty pounds, etc. The truth is, ladies, we love that. When I come home from being at my girlfriend’s house all night only to find six or seven drunk girls dry humping each other and comparing bare breasts, it is then that I realize why I chose higher education. I needed to learn more not just from books, but also from the magnificent creatures known as “women.” Stamping around our homes like bratty toddlers that need a diaper change makes me understand my Dad’s favorite saying: “If women didn’t have a vagina, they’d have bounties on their heads and would be dead by morning.” I guess I still don’t get it like he meant for me to.


Above: every man's dream

Now, I realize all of the above might not be true for EVERY fraternity at every university, but hopefully I helped to clear some of our names in at least a few areas. But now I leave this liberating keyboard, for now I must pass out, get drawn on, and wake up next to a girl that could quite possibly turn into a Level 5 clinger.

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